


Illusion of Normalcy

by bright73



Series: Revelations -  tags to  5.23/24 Grave Danger [3]
Category: CSI: Crime Scene Investigation
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-20
Updated: 2011-06-20
Packaged: 2017-10-20 14:32:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/213772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bright73/pseuds/bright73
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nick has one of his darkest days.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Illusion of Normalcy

It happened months later.

Long months passed when on the surface everything slowly went back to normal, Nick seemed to cope astoundingly well after what he had been through. A little too well, I sometimes thought. It could only mean one thing, he was keeping it all inside again. He does that, hides everything and won't let it out. I know he still has nightmares, he doesn't wake up screaming anymore but in cold sweat. He brushes it off and won't talk to me. The silence scares me.

They allowed Nick back to work after a mere 6 weeks. He was restricted to lab duty for a month. Then they let him out in the field, he said he wanted to. I didn't think it was wise but Nick has this ability to get people to give in when he smiles and assures everyone he's just fine.

He doesn't fool me.

And God was he pissed at me when I tagged along, barely one step behind him. This robbery seemed nothing out of the ordinary, nothing except glass counters and fluorescent lights to set him off. That I know of anyway, Nick isn't very talkative on that subject. There were more things that bothered me in fact. A shadow behind a door, shattered glass on the floor, hell, even seeing Nick in his vest made me jumpy. Plus, the crunching sound when we walked into the warehouse and there were people walking too close to Nicky for my liking. I've started to think it was really me that triggered the explosion. It was dark and rainy and I was scared shitless for some reason and Nicky probably picked it up. I tried some feeble banter like in old times but Nick didn't answer.

That was the first sign.

We processed the crime scene in silence, it was hard to talk while taking pictures and keeping an eye on your partner dusting for fingerprints at the same time, while trying not to walk in the DB's brain-matter. In my head I kept seeing Nick raise the gun to his chin. I wouldn't let Nick near the DB; that pissed him off too.

I think it slowly built up for Nick during the night. I wasn't any help. In retrospect I was probably the one to tip the scales. The DB's brain splattered all over the floor and the glass counter, the fluorescent lights flickering on and off thanks to the storm outside. The DB's wife's hysterical voice in the backroom where officers were trying to keep her calm because she wouldn't leave without her husband and processing the victim took far too long because of the state he was in. Hell, it got to me.

Nick got quieter and quieter as the night passed. His jaw clenched harder and harder but he did his job efficiently. I told him I needed a break when I was done documenting and the DB was wheeled out. Nick said nothing, just continued to dust the fucking glass counter in search of prints. Then he marked and gathered the shells the perp had left behind when he fled. I must confess I didn't do much, I was too preoccupied with watching Nick.

Big mistake.

He took the wife's prints. The woman clung to him and he talked softly to her. He is so good with people I can't understand why he isn't as good to himself? The woman was clearly calmed by his attention and when he left her side she fell apart. Screaming about why she wasn't the one dead. Nick's face got more and more strained and his shoulders tensed even tighter. I saw his knuckles whitening as the vic's wife was put on a gurney and wheeled out to the ambulance, half out of her mind with grief. I could see the dark cloud forming around him. I should have said something, I should have acted earlier. But I didn't, there was something about Nick that night that held even me at bay.

Then the shit hit the fan on our way back to the lab.

 

 

 _He looks at me with pity in his eyes these days. I hate that, I hate it with every fiber of my being. I hadn't expected it from him, from anybody else yes, but not from him. It unnerved me and it pissed me off. At the crime scene he tried to shield me from the sight of the victim's exploded skull. I wanted to remind him that it had been me with the gun under my chin and I had a pretty good idea of the result. I knew them down in that box, I knew and still I considered doing it. So why would I have to be shielded from it? It wasn't like it was the first time I'd seen it. Hell, I had almost done it to myself._

 _And the glass, that's the most stupid thing of all; I hate touching glass and Warrick knows. He gets this look and I try to hide the shivers. I've never been good at hiding my emotions; I'm like an open book. I hate that but I hate myself for falling apart when I touch glass even more. It doesn't happen all the time, happens less and less as a matter of fact but it still happens. I'm a freak, I could get rich selling tickets to the "wuss-man and glass show". I just have to come up with a better name and I can take it on the road._

 _But I really don't have any idea why I fell apart that night, and that is probably the worst of it. I have no control over it, have no idea when that abyss will open and I will be drawn in. When that happens it all comes rolling back, the lack of air, the sensation of something crawling over my skin and the loneliness. I know now that hell is loneliness. You can be surrounded by people watching you closely but you're still all alone. Nobody can hear the screams in your head._

 _When the screams get too loud I want to kill myself. I'm not afraid of anything after death, it's dying itself I fear. So I think about the millisecond when I pull the trigger, that holds an eternity in it. There will be pain however fast it happens, I know. So that time, between the pull of the trigger and when it finally ends is all, that makes me hesitate._

 _The screams started when the vic's wife lost it. When I took her fingerprints she looked at me and my nerves got all tangled up and everything rose to the surface. She needed something. Something I didn't have. All of a sudden I pictured her in a coffin of grief so thick she couldn't get out and nobody knew that she was in there under a cover of blackness so thick it was suffocating her._

 _I know the screams and visions are all in my head, I know it but my body doesn't, it takes over and I can't stop what's happening. The choking feeling that rips me apart and the sensation of an imminent explosion is something I can't handle._

 _I hate myself for that.  
_

We were on our way back to the lab and I was driving with just one eye on the road ahead. A fucking lunatic swerved into the lane right in front of us and I had to slam the brakes hard enough to send the Denali across the road and Nick hit his head on the side window. The lights of the oncoming traffic blinded me for a moment and Nick's breath audibly hitched and he let out a sound like a wounded animal. My fucking heart had already stopped by then and Nick had to brace himself against the windshield. By the time I got the car under control and pulled onto the left shoulder, it was too late.

Nick was out of the car before I had time to stop him. He stepped right out into the lane; a car honked and the sound of brakes squealing made my mouth go dry.

I screamed his name.

He didn't answer and I imagined him splattered all over the asphalt while I jumped out of the car, I think I was actually praying. The lights of the cars illuminated the dark road only dimly and the rain didn't make spotting him any easier. I found him curled up by the front wheel. He was close to catatonic. His body tense like a wire, his breathing so fast and shallow I knew he'd pass out if he didn't stop hyperventilating.

Cars stopped and people got out to ask what had happened. I didn't have time to respond because Nick was drifting away. All I could do was sit beside him and pull him into my lap. He made that sound again, a dreadful moan and tried to claw his way out of my arms. He clawed his nails against the asphalt in his desperation while I tried to talk to him. I shushed him but he somehow seemed to sense the circle of curious spectators forming around us and wailed in pain when I was forced to press him down to the asphalt to stop the clawing. Nick's incredibly strong when he sets his mind to it and I had no way of holding him steady for long.

Christ, I hated myself when my body pressed Nick to the wet asphalt, barely managing to slide a hand between his cheek and the wetness that soaked him in a matter of seconds. I saw blood from his fingers swirl in the water that pooled around his face when the light of a passing car swept over us. For a moment I was afraid I'd drown him. But I never stopped talking to him although I have no idea what I babbled. It was only when a flashlight caught my face and I heard D.A.'s voice asking what was happening that I stopped long enough to tell him to get people away from us and call Cath or Grissom. I hated D.A. at that moment too, he should fucking know what was going on. This was his doing and it served him right to be back on traffic.

I was beat and I didn't understand where Nicky was getting all this strength? I figured it would be easier holding down a bulldozer than him right now. Here I was lying on top of him, pressing him down and he still fought me every chance he got. Until he went totally slack under me and sent my heartbeat through the roof. He can scare the living daylights outta me sometimes.

"Nick? Oh fuck, Nicky?"

I was breathless but still not entirely sure he wasn't fooling me. Until I felt his entire body jerk and he puked his guts out.

I scrambled to my knees, lifting him up and laying him sideways in my lap as convulsions wracked his body. I got my hand on his brow to steady him while he dry heaved until he blackened out. Finding his pulse I gritted my teeth at the thready pace just as lights blinded me again and I could only see two silhouettes approaching fast.

Cath knelt besides me, casting a glance at the pallor of Nick's face in the light. "What happened?"

"Help me get him home," I croaked.

Grissom had arrived to kneel down besides Cath, letting his flashlight illuminate Nick's face, his hand cupping Nick's chin. "We should take him to the hospital."

"Not now," I shook my head. "Not yet. He'd hate me for that. I need to give him a chance to calm down before we go to the ER."

"You sure about this?" Cath asked.

"No," I admitted. "All I know is I need to get Nicky outta here now."

 

 _It was the light and thumping up against the car window that made me lose it this time. My brain registered the light and my body took me right back to the box. No air when lights are on. No air and you can't get out however much you claw at the Plexiglass, you're stuck and you're helpless. You're gonna die here all alone and they'll only find your bones since the ants have had their feast. Leave it to Nick Stokes to be defeated by ants._

 _There we are, swerving around on the freeway and my brain takes me back to the box? All while I sit there, scared shitless because the lights are blinding us and the wet asphalt is making it impossible for Warrick to steer up the car and I half expect a head-on collision._

 _And my body takes over my mind._

 _I can't breathe; I have to get out of this box. I see that flickering light go on and off and I know I need to get out of here before I run out of air. I don't know how I get out but I slip and fall and lights keep coming at me. I can't hear because the screams deafen all other sounds, I can't move because I have no air left in my lungs and the lights assault me. I'm stuck and I'm gonna die._

 _Then Warrick pulls me into his arms and I don't want him to see me like this. I don't need him to see wuss-Nick-the-freak. I have to get away but he won't let me. I try but the asphalt is slippery and I can't move. I try, God how I try, but I get nowhere and Warrick sees it all. I have no strength left and I have to give in, I won't get away this time either, I can only register the fact that I lose again. I hear the pity in Warrick's voice and feel trapped by my own weakness. That's when my guts turn inside out and I start vomiting bitter acid as the world around me swirls so fast that it ultimately goes all black._

 _I don't think I can't despise myself any more than this.  
_

 

Nick was half out of it all the way to his apartment. Wouldn't go to the ER. No way. When Grissom suggested it, Nick started clawing his way out of the car. It took both my and Cath's solemn promises and a lot of muscle power to keep him inside. I got pissed when he asked about the evidence, if it was safe. Catherine told him she had arranged for the car to be driven back to the lab by the officers that accompanied D.A. I just stared at him. He was shivering, leaning his head back and swallowing hard. Cath offered water but he wouldn't drink. We made another mistake then and forced him to take a sip. The dry heaving started again and I laid him down on his side with his head in my lap. He wasn't fighting me any longer, he was convulsing. By that time I'd stopped counting how many times he had almost made my heart stop.

I held him and talked to him, stroked his hair and mumbled nonsense while Cath held his wrist, checking his pulse - she didn't fool me.

"What happened?" Grissom asked, throwing a glance at us in the rear-view mirror.

I told them about the brain splatter, the glass counters and the flicking fluorescent lamps and the hysterical wife. I told them it had gotten to me too and then the accident on the road back.

"I don't think he's eaten a thing for at least 18 hours," Cath said, laying a hand on Nick's arm. "I told him to take a break from the rape case he was working on before this. He told me he had but I doubt it."

Nick grunted in protest.

"18 hours? How long has he been working?" I couldn't believe my ears. "He testified yesterday, didn't he?"

Catherine looked at me and nodded. "The Mourier case, yes. We all took it hard, didn't even go to trial, tossed because of a technicality. I think Nick blamed himself but the evidence was in plain view, judge thought otherwise, perp walked."

"Dammit, Nick," I groaned. "You've gotta learn some day that saving the world isn't your job."

"He wouldn't be Nick if he didn't try," Grissom pointed out. "You okay back there, Nicky?"

"F-F-Fine," he got out through clattering teeth and I just stared at him. He's always been the worst liar.

Shaking my head I looked down at him. His eyes were closed, his breath shallow and sweat dotted his brow. The hand fisted on the seat was bloody, nails torn and finger tips trashed from clawing at the asphalt. I cringed at the sight dirt embedded in the wounds.

"We really should take him to the hospital Warrick," Cath told me.

"No-o," Nick pleaded and I know that the sound took us all back to that night. I saw Cath cast a glance over at Ggrisom whose lips were pressed into a thin white line when he caught my eyes in the rear-view. My hands shivered as I pulled Nick closer.

"Please," Nick begged weakly and I fell apart. I swear I saw tears in Grissom's eyes. He's always had a soft spot for Nick; that was probably why he occasionally was so hard on him. He's harder on Nick than the rest of us sometimes. I've gotten away with far worse things than Nick without Grissom batting an eyelash. I knew it was unfair but I suspect that Grissom sometimes doesn't understand Nick, maybe because they're so different. Nick is this strange mixture of strength and softness that can make him hard to read.

On the other hand, maybe Grissom has the hots for him and keeps him at a distance so as not to play favorites? And it ends up being the exact opposite? I must admit that I've felt jealous at times, when Grissom's gaze follows Nick. I know there's deep affection, if not love. I wish Grissom would tell Nicky that more often. It shouldn't have to take Nicky almost dying for Gil Grissom to creep out of his shell and give Nick the time of day

Cath bit back a sob, her voice was thick when she promised Nick we'd take him home.

I bent down and kissed his temple. By now I didn't care about who was in the front seat, I needed to get Nick through this. I just didn't care about anything else.

 

 _Cath and Grissom turn up. Just what I need, more spectators to my collapse. If my hands weren't shaking so much that I'd risk shooting somebody else by mistake I would end it right here and now._

 _They want to take me to the ER and I can feel the restraints closing around my wrists. It would have been the looney bin for Nick Stokes. And when they see what a mess I am they'd never let me out again. Another box I can't escape._

 _I try to distract them, asking about the evidence left in the car. Anything to get their attention off me, because frankly, I don't need it._

 _I fail at that too._

 _They start talking about me like I'm not even there. I don't want this, I don't need this. Warrick's all worried and I hate myself for doing this to him. Warrick really doesn't need this, I should be there for him and instead I force him to play nurse. I know he hates it. He needs a man, not a freak. I give him only worry, misery, breakdowns and nothing else. I love him but I am slowly killing him. I am taking the joy out of his life and replacing it with what? My own personal freak show? I'm dragging all of them in, over and over. Like tonight. And I have no control over it whatsoever, it takes me over and drags them in. It just isn't right and I realize I have to end this. The moment the realization hits, I feel the shivers take over again and I puke my guts out._

 _I am a mess and I need this to end._

 

We half carried Nick through the door and I took him straight to the bathroom. I had to get him out of the soaked clothes because he was shivering and his teeth clattered. I needed to get a sedative into him. He mumbled something rather obscene at me when I tried to get his jacket off but I didn't mind. I admit to not being the greatest nurse when I shoved him down to sit on the toilet seat and pulled his clothes off unceremoniously. I would have liked to just push him under the shower and warm him up but he was too unsteady on his feet and his hands looked awful with all that raw skin. I hollered for Grissom to get me a blanket to wrap around Nick.

"You need to go to the hospital and get those hands checked, Nick." I told him. "I'm not kidding here man, that's gotta hurt like hell."

Grissom was standing in the doorway but Nick didn't seem to mind. He was still green around the gills and looked ready to puke again.

His eyes had gone all black while Grissom and Cath were debating over which one of them should take the Denali back to the lab. Nick told them he was okay and that they both should go. Grissom pulled seniority and Cath looked seriously pissed when she left. Nick just looked defeated. He was still strung too tight and I was afraid he'd snap for good this time.

I checked the medicine cabinet and couldn't find the Ativan. That's when the warning bells started to sound.

"Nick, where's your Ativan?" I searched further and just as I suspected, the Zoloft was gone too. "You quit cold turkey, didn't you, Nick?" The pieces started to fall into place. The increased difficulties sleeping, the appetite loss and the darkness coming back to linger in his eyes. "When, Nicky?"

"Four days ago," he admitted through clattering teeth.

"Why Nick?" Grissom asked, walking up to him, kneeling in front of him, making Nick look very embarrassed.

I wanted to scream and shake him but instead I just stared at him, nailing him in place with my glare. Why would he do a thing like that when he knew that he needed the drugs? He'd need it for at least 6 more months. Yeah, I've been reading up on PTSD and reactive depressions, so sue me.

Nick looked at me, a plea for help. But I wasn't bailing him out this time.

"I just wanna be normal," Nick offered as explanation. "I want everything to be normal. B- But I-I can't…." The words were punctuated with harsh inhalations and his tremors increased.

Grissom looked at me and I fled the bathroom. I always run at some point when it gets to be too much. I had to literally stop myself from punching a hole in the wall when I ran out. Why do I keep running? With a curse I realized I had to correct the situation and walk back in there looking like I had a reason to leave in the first place.

I went into Nick's bedroom, gathered clothes for him, then on to the kitchen, picking up plastic bags and tape from a drawer and the scissors. I had a mission. I wasn't running I told myself. So I walked back, equipped with reasons.

"Nick, you're freezing your sweet butt off, I'll help you take a shower and warm you up."

Nick looked at me like I'd lost my mind, before that characteristic blush crept up his cheeks, finally giving some color to his face.

Grissom took the cue with a smile and Nick's lower lip trembled as the older man put his hand on his shoulder in an accepting gesture. I had staked my claim and it felt good. I met Grissom's eyes calmly as he left the bathroom.

Yes, I love Nicky and I'm here for him. Any objections?

 

 _Shit, my legs shake so much I can't get inside on my own. Warrick and Grissom have to help me. Perfect, I'm making Cath and Griss' look at me like I'm five years old and still not out of diapers. I'm wiped and strung out like a smelly rag that desperately needs to be replaced but it was left to you by your Grandma and you just don't have the heart to throw it out. I see it all in their faces. "Poor Nicky, he'll never be normal again, it was all too much for him and he won't ever cope on his own."_

 _It's guilt talking; I see it and I don't know how to wipe it out. I was the one stupid enough to be dragged into an early grave; they had nothing to do with it._

 _I'm nothing but a burden._

 _And Warrick has to show everybody how useless I am? Like I'm not capable of humiliating myself enough to begin with? If my teeth don't stop clattering soon, I'm going to pound my head against the wall._

 _When Warrick goes in search of my meds, I want to cry. Nick Stokes needs heavy medication to keep it together, Nick Stokes needs and needs and needs and has nothing to give. And he forces the man he loves and his friends to look at the decay - how he slowly comes apart and grabs for the only help available. Small tiny pills to help him keep at least a modicum of control. I'm a sick puppy surviving on 10 mg of artificial strength alternated with 5 mg of peace of mind. And they ask me why I stopped taking them? Because I don't wanna be this kind of me any longer, I don't wanna be needy and helpless and scared and a complete mess._

 _Not even Warrick can take it any longer and he runs out. I can't blame him; I'm the one that should be running._

 _Griss watches me and I shrink to nothing._

 

I had to smile at the thought of me in the shower with Nick while Grissom waits outside. It truly boggled my mind. How had I fallen this far this fast? Normally I'd soap another man in for just one reason, having him hard and fast. But not Nicky, never with Nicky like that. Nick makes me want to take care of him. It was scary as hell to see those traits in myself, but I guess I'm a mother hen deep inside. But I'm not good at it, not really. And I think this is all my fault. I kick myself mentally over the mistakes I've made during the night.

I held him under the shower and he just looks away, wouldn't meet my eyes, mumbling that he can do it himself. I point to his hands that I had just taped plastic bags over to protect them. Besides, I don't trust he can actually stand for any length of time. He needs medical attention, I know that but first he needs to regain his confidence. I don't know how to give that back because words have never been my strength. I love him but I've seldom told him out loud and I'm afraid he doubts me. And after tonight, why shouldn't he?

"Please Warr', stop this," he said while I rinsed the soap off him.

"Stop what?" I asked, my face close to his but he wouldn't look up. "Nicky, look at me."

"We gotta stop this," he mumbles, watching the water vanishing down the drain. "It's not right."

I froze, I swear that under that hot water I felt fucking ice forming in my veins and the chunks of piercing fear coursing through my system stopped to pound rhythmically in my temples.

"What are you sayin' Nicky?"

"I hate what I'm doing to you, what I'm doing to all of you. Freakin' you out, being a hopeless mess and destroying everything. I don't know what happened back there, those lights, that glass and the woman screaming. Man, it just got to me and I fell apart. I fell apart and you had to save my ass. I'm so tired of it."

"Nicky," I crooned.

"I'm a freak."

"Huh?"

"They're all watching me like that. Like I'm about to break into pitiful pieces for them to scoop up, Warrick. Even you, how many times have you saved my sorry ass by now? I don't want this any more, I don't want people to look at me like that. I can't take it any more, it's gotta stop. This has gotta stop."

My thoughts went haywire at that point. Is he breaking up with me? What the fuck? Here he makes me love him and now he wants to rip my bleedin' heart out?

I turned the water off.

"Look at me, Nick. Now!" I cupped my hands around his face, let my thumbs slide along his jaw and forced him to look at me. "What is this? You clockin' out on me? Is that what you're trying to tell me?"

"I don't want you to see me like this."

He looked at me with those eyes that always speak volumes. Now they spoke of shame and sorrow and I hate the world for doing this to my bro. If only there was someone I could punch out to make everything better, anything tangible I could destroy to fix all this. But Nick is doing this to himself, all I have are words and I am not very good with words.

So I pulled him into my arms. I held him so tight I could feel his heart beating against my ribs. I've read all about depression, crappy self-esteem, doubt and the thing I fear most of all; self-destruction. "You won't believe a word I say right now, will you?"

He didn't deny it, just stood there, tremors still shaking his body.

"You moron," I told him. "People aren't looking at you because they pity you. They look at you because you're fucking beautiful. Because when you smile you - fuck it Nicky, you're making me sound like a cheap novel here. I can't help but look at you because you're so alive, so fucking vibrant. I can't stop looking at you because I see the world mirrored in you eyes. I can't tell you how but I see it all in you and I just melt, you stupid ass. Pity you? I envy you, you moron. Don't get me wrong, not for what happened to you but for what you are. Nick Stokes, a man most people can't help loving. I don't know if it's charm or charisma but I know that it's just one of the things I love 'bout you. Because there's something unique about you Nicky, something wordless that just grabs my heart. And like you've noticed, makes me sound like a trashy novel. And you're clockin' out on me? No fricken way in hell Nicky. You're mine."

"Rick, it's for your own good. You need someone - ," he tried to break into my sermon.

"Shut up Nick, just shut up," I cut him off. "Need is just one part of it, I love you despite those ghastly shirts and stupid caps you wear. Despite the incredibly tacky CD collection and your obsession with Discovery Channel and birds. I love you, you miserable son of a bitch. So do Cath and Grissom, and yes before you ask, I have fits of stupid jealousy when anybody looks at you like they wanna eat you up. Coz' I wanna be the only one to do that. I hate it when people look at you that way because I know why they do – they look at you because you're you. You're Nicky and you're fucking beautiful."

"No," he protests, shaking his head against my shoulder.

I smiled against his skin and kissed his ear. "I'm sorry Nicky but you don't have a say in this. You are beautiful inside out and I love you, there's nothing you can do about that. And now I'm gonna help you dress and take you to the ER and you don't have a say in that either. So deal with it."

 

 _He holds me and tells me he loves me and I feel like dissolving and disappearing with the water down the drain. It's pain and comfort all rolled into one and I fight the stupid tears again. But he doesn't understand, well how could he? I don't. I'm sucking him dry. I lean into him and take all his strength, I swear I do and one day he will hate me for it. I've been doing it since the box and I can't see the end of it. It doesn't get better either, like everybody promised, it keeps getting worse. Right out of the hospital I was relieved; I survived and had the marks to remind me. Of course, I was jumpy as hell and I didn't sleep very well but everything was fresh and I had a reason. The reasons were marked on my skin and very tangible._

 _Not anymore and it keeps getting worse._

 _I have no warning when I lose it. The flashing of a light can be enough but at times I can go a week without going nuts. I'm out of control and that is not a place I want to be. It's not a place I want to drag my loved ones into, it's a scary place filled with land mines._

 _It might even be lethal._

 _I try to tell Warrick he doesn't have to lie to me. I've seen that look on people's faces and he's wrong, wrong but kind and right now I can't afford to lie to myself. I want to, it would be so easy to not face the truth and rely on Warrick to see me through this but it's too much. You can't put the one you love through all this. Because it's ugly._

 _I remember some corny song about "If you love somebody set them free" – turns out it wasn't so corny after all. I need to set Warrick free before I destroy him like this thing is destroying me._

 _He won't listen to me and why should he? I'm not Nick anymore._

 _He's right, he does sound like a trashy novel but strangely it fits. My life is like an after-school special mixed with a really bad reality show. I know it but that's where the lack of control comes in to play again. I know but I can't change anything, not even the way I think._

 _He says I have no say; he doesn't know how right he is._

 

It took us six hours to get home from the ER. Nick didn't say a word during the entire process and had me explain everything. Well, I lied, I'm good at lying. I told them we had been rock climbing and that the rain surprised us and Nick had to hang on for dear life. It wasn't that far from the truth anyhow, at least not the hanging on for dear life part. They pulled Nick's chart and I noticed the change in the nurse attending to Nick; she spoke more softly around him and lowered her voice. I knew Nick hated that kind of special treatment.

The also called Dr. Kane. Probably why we had to wait for hours, Kane showed up early in the morning and took Nick into a room and closed the door on me.

I wasn't happy about that.

Then they insisted on giving me a look over too. That really pissed me off. I got two days of sick leave, due to exhaustion. What exhausted me were the slowpokes at the ER. But I didn't complain, Grissom and Cath can take our case and it did mean more time for me to spend with Nick. I never say no to spending time with him.

Nick seemed a little more at ease when we finally sat in his kitchen with bowls of cereal. The fidgeting stopped along with the shivers and the clattering teeth. I glared at him to make him eat more and to my surprise he obliged, with an equally reprimanding glare back. But he finally did eat. With difficulty since most of his fingers were taped for protection. I wanted to spoon feed him but I knew he'd kill me if I tried. We didn't say much, I had a thousand questions I needed to ask but I can wait. I'm back to watching and I couldn't take my eyes off him. One of these days he's gonna pop me one.

He must have used the puppy-dog eyes on Kane because he has no prescriptions, or he lied to me. But Nicky was never very good at lying or maybe he's fooled me all along?

He looked dreadful and I just wanted to drag him to bed and hold him.

"Let's get some sleep, Nicky."

He looked at me and I can't quite interpret the emotions that play over his face. But I can guess after our discussion in the shower.

"No Nicky, you're not getting rid of me, I'm sorry."

I reveled in the small smile that he bestowed on me, because it actually reaches his eyes. My heart made a jolt straight from a trashy novel.

I reached over to touch him and pulled him up by his wrists. "Let's go to bed," I plead again.

And we do, go to bed.

I help him undress even as he smirks at me. I didn't even leave his boxers on and he shakes his head.

"I want to feel all of you." I explained. My poker face has folded and given in on me.

"Maniac."

"Tease," I said sitting on the bed with him in front of me. He's naked and beautiful and I want to feel him sleeping pressed up against me. I want his skin to melt into mine. I am greedy, I know that.

I pulled him down on the bed and shed my own clothes in the process, tossing them impatiently to the floor. Then I curled around him and he actually chuckled. I breathe him in with my nose tucked in the nape of his neck. His scent is dangerous; I suspect it would wake the dead. It certainly wakes me and I'm forced to move away from him because of my erection. He follows, snuggling back against me and I groan, kissing that sensitive spot right behind his ear.

"Sleep Nicky," I ordered.

"Tease," he said and turned his head to look at me. A tired smile played around his lips and a hand strayed down my thigh. His fingers might be taped but he found other parts of his body to rub up against me. I paused to check the smoldering brown of his eyes and grin at the hunger therein. I don't want to make love to him if it's out of gratitude or something else on his part.

"I should let you sleep," I mumble into his ear. smiling when he grunts and reaches back to pull my lips to his. The way he plays with my bottom lip, suckling at it and teasing with the tip of his tongue drives me out of my mind. I swear he can make me come with a kiss alone. I didn't want that to happen so I started kissing down his spine while my hands wandered to his inner thighs, resting my pal on his hot, smooth skin. I love the sounds he makes, monosyllabic grunts that with some imagination can be interpreted as words. He moaned my name deep in his throat and leaned into me. His butt ground over my erection making me bite softly at his neck. I had to close my eyes because if I look at him it would be over for me in an instant and I needed to concentrate on him. But he's not one for making it easy. I could feel the muscles dancing under his taut skin and he makes this incredibly erotic motion with his hips, the softness covering hard muscle on the inside of his arms stroking over my hip. In retaliation I moved my hand to lay on the flat of his stomach. I think he curses me because I won't touch him but I'm not sure; I was too busy peppering kisses over his neck.

"Warrick, please," he begs, looking at me over his shoulder. His bandaged hand gripped my wrist to hold me in place. His tongue darts out to wet his lips and I come undone. I can't stand myself for doing this to him after all that's happened but I couldn't stop myself either. Not when he looks at me like that. I rolled him over and kissed him, my cock getting caught between us and Nick made his move. Rolling his hips, hands grasping mine to keep me close. Kissing me and playing devil with my tongue, I try to hold back but it's futile. It only took a few minute of breathless grinding before I had to break the kiss and tilt my head back as I come all over him. It's my turn to shiver and shake as I moan my way through release.

I fell over him, nose landing in the juncture of his shoulder and neck and he chuckled at me. Right after making love to Nick I am in another world, he claims I mumble a lot of nonsense. All I know is that he is under me, I can feel his breath and hot skin. It always takes a few minutes before the fog lifts.

Then I take my sweet revenge.

 

 _He gets this feral look at times.  
Like now when I grin at his silly love talk as he lies on top of me in the aftermath of his orgasm. He calls me all kinds of endearing things like buttercup, honeypie, mumpkin and I chuckle at him. He's so beautifully verbose when aroused. And he's just as needy as I am and I see no pity in his gaze. I love him just for that, that there are some times when I'm just Nick, not poor shattered Nick. Ok, so maybe I am kind of damaged but I feel like I have to cut him some slack while he floats in some kind of semiconscious state._

 _I kiss his sweaty temple and grin as he mumbles endearments with his face pressed in the crook of my neck. Totally slack and relaxed. Few people see this side of Warrick and I'm proud that I'm allowed to. He's not the hard ass, poker-faced manly man so many people see. He's my Rick, soft and warm and cozy._

 _Then he gives me that look and my breath hitches. He moves up on me and I ask him feebly if he's forgotten about the sleep already? Pinning my wrists besides my head he answers with his lips. Suckling at my ears and neck, stopping to give me that look every now and then and I can't suffocate the groans any longer when he pushes his legs in between mine and his hip presses down on my painfully erect cock. Then he takes possession of my body but this time I am safe. I welcome his possession. He controls it totally, plays me with expert fingers and a tongue that makes the world around me vanish in a flurry onslaught of endorphins. I'm melting and burning at the same time and he lets go of my hands and I claw at the sheets. Time ceases to exist and there's only Warrick taking me to the brink and holding me there until I plead for him to finally push me over the brink. But he won't. He suckles, he strokes and he licks and I'm on verge of a totally different kind of breakdown. I'm sure I'm begging until he finally lubes me up and slowly eases down on my cock. He's not ready and I don't want him to hurt himself. I try to find the words but my voice fails me again. He slowly pushes down onto me and rocks until I arch off the bed and wail his name when I come and he hovers over me, breathing heavily into my ear as he wets me again with his release. I feel it spreading across my chest while I totally empty myself into him in long bone melting spasms. I throw my arms around him and embrace him tight enough to feel his racing heart and his sweet string of endearments whispered breathlessly against my neck; "Oh God, Nicky baby, you kill me, sweetie. So damned beautiful when you come."_

 _I smile and tell him I love him too._

 _I can't move for the longest time, we lay entangled, breath slowly evening out. I can feel his hands under my shoulder blades and his lips resting on my temple as I drift, feeling heavy and boneless. He raises his head to look at me and I know I can't leave him, not even if it's for his own good. I just can't. Tears rise and threaten to spill and he kisses my eyelids with a soft croon of my name._

 _Then he covers us with the blankets and I know that as hard as this all gets, I still have Warrick. And he doesn't look at me with pity when we make love._

 _Right now that's enough for me to get through the day. I don't know about tomorrow but right now it's enough. If there's one thing I've learned it's that tomorrow is a chimera, cunning in its supposed predictability. Just like the fears and illusions that sometimes swallow me, chew me up and if I'm lucky, spit me out._

 _I just have to learn to live with that. Because after all, I'm more afraid of dying than living and sometimes it feels like that is the only normalcy I have left.  
_


End file.
